An Outtake Adapted from my WIP Novella – ‘Just One Night’
“Chase, I don’t understand,” Amanda said.
Her expressive green eyes blazed up at me with an intensity I always found endearing and sexy as hell. What was it with me and strong willed, independent women with green eyes – my Kryptonite?
I kissed the tip of her nose. “Well Grasshopper, perhaps it’s one of the Universe’s spiritual conundrums?” I said in my best Shaolin Monk imitation.
The look on her face was priceless. “Huh…? Is that your Yoda voice?”
I laughed. “No Little-one, I think we’ve having a generation gap moment. Anyway, as you were saying?”
She nestled in the cradle of my arm and laid her head back on my chest. “Ok, so yes…I totally get you and I met for a reason. Shit, everything happens for a reason, but why does it have to be either – or? Why can’t we be both a lesson and a blessing to each other?” Once again, I marveled at how she managed to sound vulnerable and defiant at the same time.
“You are both to me. Our connection has been a blessing to me and I have grown as a person thanks to you. Your belief in me has taught me how to smile again. You’ve also been my Wanton Muse.”
She growled, or snorted…maybe both, then cocked her fist and punched me hard in the chest. “I want to be more than your damn Muse. I want…” She hesitated. “Damnit Sir, I love You. I respect You. I don’t know why, but I think I need You.”
I was dreaming…again. I knew she wasn’t here, because her punch in my chest didn’t hurt and it should have – she packs a wallop. Also, we’d never had this particular conversation in person. Sure, we’d bantered in texts and emails about how the Universe has a strange sense of humor, but never face to face. The limited and precious time we did have together was rarely spent discussing topics this deep. It was as though we had mutually agreed, without ever saying so aloud, that when we were together deep thought provoking conversations were temporarily suspended.
Even though I knew I was having a particularly vivid dream, knowing that reality didn’t make her words or mine any less poignant. I still ached with regret. Maybe I was actually home alone in my bed cuddling with my pillow, but in my mind she lay wrapped in my arms.
Dreams are supposedly safe haven, a refuge from the burdens of daily existence. A place where we can go to ease our minds and fantasize about doing all the naughty things we’re afraid to do in the real world. At the very least, dreams should be the one place where the good guys always win and happily ever doesn’t just happen in romance novels.
But, dreams can also be a harbinger of bad things to come and the dark sides of dreams….nightmares, have been known to kill people in their sleep. I’m sure I was crying in my sleep. Whenever I had this dream…or nightmare, I always woke up laying on wet, tear stained pillows.
“Little-one, you just think you need me, but you’re stronger than you give yourself credit for. I came into your life for a reason/a season, not to make you love me, but rather to make you realize you’re worth loving. Savor what we’ve had and continue to grow. I know you don’t particularly like this analogy, but you were the moth who has turned into a beautiful butterfly and your inner-submissive has awakened. Now you know what you want out of life, the kind of relationship you need to nurture you and feed your desires. I don’t know how much I had to do with your metamorphosis, but I couldn’t be more proud of the woman you have become.”
“Sir, this ‘thing’ We have and what We mean to each other has never been easy. I knew I never needed you, but the brittle edges of my wanting you are etched into my soul. Your fingerprints are all over who I am now. I don’t think me wanting to be Yours, in this life or the next, will ever go away.”
I exhaled a slow breath. “This ‘thing’ of ours won’t work, little-one. Damn, sometimes no matter how much we want something to work, sometimes it just can’t work and You know I’m right.”
A muscle in her face twitched. “Maybe.”
I swallowed a deep breath, but I didn’t trust myself to speak. I reached out, snatched an envelope off the nightstand by my side of the bed and handed it to her.
“What the fuck is this? She demanded. “I swear, if this is a Dear Jane letter – you and I are going to fight.”
I laughed. “No My-brat, it’s not a breakup letter…not really.” Her eyes shot green laser bolts at me. “Stop looking at me that way, there’s a Hallmark Card in the envelope. Read it. I searched far and wide to find that particular card.”
She grumbled and snarled like a pissed off pussy cat, but she finally extracted the card out of the envelope. I pulled her back into the crook of my arm as she began to silently read. I’d memorized the entire card, but I peered over her shoulder and quietly read along.
People come into your path for a reason, a season or a lifetime. When you know which one it is, you will know what to do with that person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty. To provide you with guidance and support. To aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like they are a godsend, and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then without any wrongdoing on your part, or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die.
Sometimes they walk away.
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled.
Their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has now been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON. Because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh.
They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons.
Things you must build upon to have a solid emotional foundation.
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant.
Little-one, thank you for being a part of my life. Whether what we’ve shared turns out to be for a reason, a season or a lifetime. Rest assured I will carry you in my heart, my memories, and my prayers for the rest of my life. Sir….
She finished reading and turned to look up at me. Her eyes shimmered with tears but no tears fell. I pulled her close and she buried her face in my chest, silent sobs racked her body. She suddenly jumped up and left the room. I had no idea if you would return or if that was the last time I’d ever see of her. In the far off distance I heard a steady thump-thump, a persistent pecking sound I vaguely recognized. Where have I heard that sound before?
I felt her presence as soon as Amanda reentered the room and a faint pop sizzled along my nerve endings. A myriad of conflicting emotions swept over me and my heart exploded in my chest with a rush of feeling. My head said to push her away, to get up and run far away, but my heart said stay. I swallowed her scent and a momentary calm slowed my racing heart.
She sat on the edge of the bed and stared at me. The shifting expressions on her face a mosaic of pain, and yearning. Slowly, without saying a word because I didn’t trust myself to speak, I turned over on my back and raised my arm. The seconds dripped by slow and agonizingly as I held my breath. With a shudder that ripped through her whole body, she scooted close and laid her head on my chest. I wrapped my arm around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head.
“Sir, can we still be friends?” Her voice was barely above a whisper.
I sighed. “Possibly, I honestly don’t know. You know what ‘they’ say – you can never just be friends with someone you once loved.”
She punched me in the chest again. “Well ‘they’ can just kiss my ass.”
“Woman, you are incorrigible.”
“Yes I am, and that’s why you adore me.”
I closed my eyes and tried to focus on that persistent thumping. She snuggled closer and I hugged her tighter. Time passed in a fog of shifting realities and she dozed in my arms. I tried to fight the lethargy that washed over me, but I started to drift asleep.
Sunlight streamed through my bedroom window warming my face. The last vestiges of my dream began to drift away and I didn’t want to wake up. The thumping sound was louder now, more urgent. I opened my eyes and squinted as my vision adjusted to the glare. My eyes were crusty with sleep…or dried tears. I groaned when I realized I lay wrapped around my body pillow and not a warm human form.
Perched on the ledge of my windowsill, happily pecking away at the frame, sat one of my spirit animals – a sparrow. My other spirit animal is a tiger, the year of my birth. Go figure, a tiger and a sparrow.
There are various interpretations of what a sparrow totem symbolizes, but the one that resonates with me is – self worth. According to lore, if a Sparrow totem has entered your life, ask yourself if you know your own self-worth. The sparrow will show you that even a common little bird can triumph.
I sat up to get out of bed and a sharp pain stabbed me in the chest. “Ouch. My chest feels like somebody hit…”
© 2015 Will LaForge